Snow White
by Carottal
Summary: hum... crack? I mean total crack? a Ryuk Snow White one shot for the hell of it. One day, the shinigami king received a present from earth...


**Hello, this maybe my second fanfic on this fandom. ****So, this story was created after reading some of those fics that turns DN into famous fairy tales. I couldn't find any Ryuk Snow whites and thought it was strange. So I decided to write one myself. If you ever came upon my profile before, if you read the part where I present my projects, if you remember it... then you may wonder why this fic is published now and not for to answer this matter and some other points:  
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**1) Even though it's not Halloween, I do have a reason for publishing this. I need one to publish something as I'm scared as hell right now and still think I'm crazy for letting you read that piece of art... **

**2) You may have talked with me after a review and then, you might know that answering my reviews can trigger very long and pointless talks about anything. (that point is actually important!)  
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**3) It's one of those talks that has me publishing now (see? it was important.)  
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**4) This story was published to celebrate the 666th PM on the same topic with another author on this site who wanted to be anonymous so she wasn't linked with this shit (and how I understand her!)  
So, repeat after me: "HAPPY 666th PM, IMOTO-KUN" (and if you have any reclamation, you know who is to blame now!)  
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**5) If she's to blame for all the bad stuff, I am to blame too as I kind of wrote it  
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**6) The characters aren't mine. They're from Death Note and we all agree it's better this way. Believe me, you do. Well, you'll do after this taste of OOCness you'll get if you read this story**

**7) Snow white isn't mine too but it's in the public domain now so I don't care!  
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**8) I did it, I sinned. I put the F word in this fic... There's also death character, spoilers for Snow White (sorry to spoil the suspense if you've never read it), absurdity, lies, evil schemes, disturbing images,... I hope you'll understand this is just rated K+ though! **

******9) Even though I think this story is messy, not very well written, not very subtle, and pointless, I love it. If not, I wouldn't have saved it on my computer as I wrote it a year ago (at least^^) So I hope you'll enjoy reading it nonetheless!**  


******Nothing to add, enjoy.  
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**_Snow White_**

Sit and keep quiet, open your ears and close your eyes for the story I'm goanna tell you isn't a story you can half listen to.

Once upon a time, there was a king. This king was smart, and proud of it. One day, he received a mirror from the earth. It was a magical mirror that could tell you who was the fairest of them all. Pretty useful in the Shinigami realm isn't it? So it was decided that this mirror would be melted to build something else, side-view mirrors for instance. However, the mirror could see and hear everything that went on in the universe. That's how it could tell who the fairest of them all was, after all. Sometimes, the mirror thought it had been created by a pervert... But the matter wasn't whether the one who had made it was a horny pig or a saint. And, as it was really happy to be alive, it decided it would do anything to avoid the fire. Thank you very much. Luckily for it, it had also heard about the king's pride. So, when the shinigami king decided that as it was meant for him he should try this mirror before melting it, he was quite surprised to hear it say:

"I don't know who the fairest of them all is, sir, but I do know you're the smartest of them all."

The king, hearing this, cancelled the melting and kept the mirror in his room, with him. There, the mirror could live happy days, telling the king all day long that he was the smartest. However, the king became addicted to this mirror. He would spend all his time in his room and so, little by little, he lost track of the shinigami reality.

In this realm, there was another shinigami, Ryuk. He was quite smart himself and incredibly bored. So he started tricking his fellows. And tricking them he became more and more astute. He was so cunning that no one could charge him with anything. Thus, he was given the nickname "Snow white" because ironically, he was found as innocent as the whitest snow earth could have. One day, Ryuk decided he was too bored so he would make his biggest trick. He would trick the king himself by getting a second death note. And he did. Desperately easily if you asked him.

So, the next day, when the king came to ask the mirror the usual question, he didn't get the usual answer. The mirror, who knew everything and didn't want to lie in case it would be discovered, told the king that it was Snow white, who had even outsmarted the king himself, proving he was smarter than his majesty. The king was fuming. Not only was Ryuk smarter than him, but he had also questioned his authority by tricking him. It was time for revenge. He asked Sidoh, one of his most loyal, but unfortunately stupid, guards to lock Ryuk in and steal his two Death Notes. It would be enough to make the shinigami die in pain. So, Sidoh left for Ryuk.

However, as I said, Sidoh was incredibly stupid.

"Hello Ryuk, the king is very angry at you for having tricked him. You are to be punished. So please, follow me so I can lock you up and steal your two death notes." Sidoh greeted Ryuk after founding him eating apples.

"I understand." Ryuk answered, with his most shameful and sorry smile. "But I don't think I'm even worth staying in this realm. You know what, I'm going to the farthest place from here that I know... the human realm." He said dramatically. Seeing Sidoh's thoughtful expression, he added: "There, I will never be able to do anything against the king and you won't be able to hear me suffer if you don't want to." That was actually his back up plan in case Sidoh didn't want to take an initiative: annoy them so much they'd let him out.

However, when he saw Sidoh's shining eyes, he knew he wouldn't have to use plan B. Too bad! He was about to leave when Sidoh stopped him.

"Wait, give me your Death Notes."

'Damn, I thought I wouldn't have to do that too. If the king learn of this, I'm so dead.' Ryuk thought, fighting a laugh after imagining the king's face as he discovered he had been tricked twice.

One of the things you could do in the shinigami realm was betting. And some times, Ryuk would bet too. But he wasn't a stupid shinigami. He had created fake death notes in case he was incredibly unlucky. He had had to use them a couple of times. It was actually funny to see a shinigami die because he thought he was writing names in his death note when, in fact, he was using a normal notebook. So Ryuk took the two most beautiful fake Death notes he had and gave them to Sidoh, with widened eyes and an "I understand, I hope this will please the king."

He made his way to the human realm. Sidoh let him go, happy that his mission had gone so smoothly.

When the king received the death notes, he barely spared them a glance before burning them in the Big Fire. He didn't ask Sidoh anything about his mission. God the shinigami had an annoying voice!

Time went by and the mirror was happy Ryuk had fled to earth so it could truthfully say that the King was the smartest of them all. And the king was pleased not to hear anything from Ryuk. He had thought Snow White would have been annoying as hell to regain his freedom, he had even acquired earplugs in case.

And so everything was good and sound, until one morning, the king heard one of his citizens talking about Ryuk with a tone that mixed awe and mockery. The king wasn't the smartest of the Shinigami realm for nothing. He ran to his mirror and asked.

"Who is the smartest of them all, in the universe?"

Fuck, the mirror thought but he had to answer truthfully or else he would die.

"It's Ryuk; he is in the Earth, having fun looking at some dwarfs killing each others with the death note."

The mirror had picked up the vocabulary of the realm. There, humans were sometimes referred to as dwarfs because of the size of their life.

The king decided it was high time to have his sweet revenge.

.

Indeed, Ryuk was having fun. The Yagami boy was really entertaining. The god liked living among them. He had even renamed some of them after seeing a picture from a cartoon which title he had liked, for obvious reasons.

Matsuda was Happy and Misa was Dopey but sometimes he exchanged their names. He knew it was a bit unfair. The two humans weren't stupid at all. But among all those genius, average was the new stupid. Sleepy was, obviously, L, because with the ring he had under his eyes, he couldn't be anything but that. And Watari was Doc, because he looked like it. The Yagami boy was Grumpy because Ryuk was an ungrateful bastard. Bashful was Aizawa because he didn't talk a lot and Sneezy was Yagami father because Ryuk wanted to make him part of his seven dwarfs, and the man had been in the hospital at one point and hospitals are for ill people, aren't they? And ill people sneeze.

So, Ryuk was living happily among those dwarfs when one day, Raito came to him with a present. Now, Ryuk should have guessed something was wrong because he always had to beg Raito to receive an apple or two. And here was the boy, with a basket full of big, juicy, red apples.

"Would you li…" The boy hadn't reached the end of his sentence that half of the apples were already missing. As soon as the basket was empty, Ryuk fell on the floor, dead. And the Shinigami king, because it was him in disguise, went back to his realm and his mirror, happy that his trick had gone so well. The mirror and he lived happily ever after.

But what happened to Ryuk? When Raito went home, he discovered the corpse of Ryuk and decided it would make a great scarecrow for the little and hidden field he happened to own. So, he found an awfully big fishbowl, and a big window, and he created a transparent coffin so the smell wouldn't go through but the birds would be scared.

And there Ryuk lies, still waiting for his prince or princess to wake him up with a kiss. But that will never happen because in this story, he's intelligent and intelligence can't be seen in a dead body.

The End.

...

"So you see, you should be grateful I give you so few apples. This way, you know when the evil king is trying to trick you!"

Ryuk looked at Raito, his mouth hanging, surprise and horror magnifying the effect of apple-withdrawal. Raito smirked. Here, he would be left alone. He resumed his criminals executing.

...

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EPILOGUE

...

After one day of calm and tranquillity, Ryuk burst in laugh: "Ha ha ha ha ha! Shinigamis can't die."

Well, next time, Light would have to try the Adam myth!

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**AN: The end. I hope you liked this little piece of crack. **

**To be true, I like the end and the beginning. I think the middle is lacking rhythm. But I couldn't bring myself to change it. **

**Anyway, that's my own opinion on the matter and I'm the only one on this site who read this fic and has a good reason not to review! And even if you think you don't know how to make a review, you have an example of something you could tell me (I hope I won't only have reviews telling me **_"To be true, I liked the end and the beginning. I think the middle is lacking rhythm. But I couldn't bring myself to change it."_**... I'd feel that someone is making fun of me!^^)**

**So if you have anything to say, write it!  
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